So I thought I'd start this blog with something I've been thinking about lately. How is it that we are entrusted with these little humans whose lives we can destroy before they turn 1? There must be a million things we can do to screw them up very early on. "Don't forget to support their head!", "Is that bottle BPA free??", "How long has that formula been out, you know it can make him sick.", "You know you should keep them lying down as much as possible before they're 3 months old, it's better for their backs.", "Always wait until at least 6 months to give them cereal or else it might give them digestive problems." Not to mention the chemicals that we poison them with everyday by using household cleaners, the disposable diapers that will still be here long after we're all gone and the baby powder that can give them asthma. Not fair, you're tricking first-time parents into buying it, it's called baby powder! What are we even doing letting babies into this world? It's a death trap!
I've heard all these things and my son is only 9 months old. It's enough to drive you crazy. As if we don't already worry enough about what could happen to our kids, we also have to carry the guilt of the inevitable damage we'll do to them ourselves. And how is it that as mothers, we seem to carry the brunt of this guilt? My husband doesn't worry about if giving him sugar too early will give him a preference for sweets later on, he just thinks he'd probably appreciate some nice, cold Gatorade after a long walk. We get to worry about the bedtimes and the bedtime routine, the amount of reading they are getting in even if they won't look at the book for more than 30 seconds, what games will help them develop their motor skills correctly. Ok, I'm gonna be honest, I don't do those last 2. I always thought I would, but when he seems disinterested in something instead of pressing on I just say forget it, we'll try again another day. Is that the right thing to do? Probably not, and here's where the guilt comes in again. Am I giving him ADD by not making him concentrate on things like reading? Crap, I don't know, he's 9 months old! I'm sure I'll blame myself for any problem he has at any point in his life. Maybe that's what it means to be a parent. Great, so I'm going to have a guilt-ridden life from now on. Awesome.
I have to admit it took me many months to even begin to appreciate my little bundle of joy. Socially unacceptable, I know but it's the truth. For the first couple of months I would have given him to anyone that asked, ahh I would have given him to people who didn't ask, anything to get rid of him and get my old life back. And even though it may sound like it, he wasn't an unplanned pregnancy. We had been trying for over a year, we had decided to have a baby. I'm 29 and my husband is 36, we have been together for 10 years, we were ready. We weren't unprepared, or so I thought. You never realize how much you'll miss sleep once it's gone. I missed being able to just take a nap when I felt like it. I missed reading a whole book. I didn't like having so little control over my life. And for me, his cuteness was not making up for any of that. Add on top of that the fact that I felt HORRIBLE about feeling the way I did and it was a recipe for near disaster. I couldn't understand how mothers just automatically and immediately felt bonded to their newborns, because I certainly didn't. But all along I sure did dole out all the socially acceptable answers to "Don't you just love being a mother?" "Oh yes I do, it's the best job ever!" Nobody wants to hear, "Well actually I don't really like my newborn, if there was a return policy I'd happily use it."After a much needed prescription intervention (Hello Prozac, how are you? Please make me love my child) I started feeling more normal. I now know that MANY women feel the way I did, and I'm sure many women really do feel that immediate bond portrayed in movies (but part of me does still think they are fibbing just a bit).
I feel like I need to say at this point that I really do love my son, I would not return him (on most days) and he's becoming the best thing that's ever happened to me, you don't need to call DCF. And I guess all along I did actually love him but I mourned the loss of me. I mourned the loss of my freedom. And those emotions were overpowering everything else. Talk about selfish, geez.
Ok, so this post did not really contain the humor advertised to your right, but I needed to get the first post out there and I feel much better for it. And come to think about it, it doesn't really matter all that much because my mom is the only one reading this. Hi Mom.
